December 22, 2011, 12:45 pm
Kern County – Officials from Valley AIR* have released extremely disappointing news for residents of the Central Valley. Due to predictions for air pollution levels in the unhealthy range for the rest of the week, the head of CCGC*, Mr. S. Klaus, has reluctantly made the decision to avoid the valley entirely this Christmas Eve.
“Being elderly, my lungs and heart just can’t take the level of particulates that impregnate the night time air around cities like Fresno and Bakersfield,” says Klaus. “We have made arrangements with other carriers like Sled Ex to pick up the slack so there will be no need, on my account, to extinguish fireplaces on Christmas Eve unless you are particularly concerned about your neighbors’ health, HO, HO, HO!”
*AIR – Association of Irritated Residents
*CCGC – Cheap Christmas Gifts from China