NEWS RELEASE-South Valley may have unusual Christmas

December 22, 2011, 12:45 pm

Kern County – Officials from Valley AIR* have released extremely disappointing news for residents of the Central Valley. Due to predictions for air pollution levels in the unhealthy range for the rest of the week, the head of CCGC*, Mr. S. Klaus, has reluctantly made the decision to avoid the valley entirely this Christmas Eve.

“Being elderly, my lungs and heart just can’t take the level of particulates that impregnate the night time air around cities like Fresno and Bakersfield,” says Klaus. “We have made arrangements with other carriers like Sled Ex to pick up the slack so there will be no need, on my account, to extinguish fireplaces on Christmas Eve unless you are particularly concerned about your neighbors’ health, HO, HO, HO!”

*AIR – Association of Irritated Residents
*CCGC – Cheap Christmas Gifts from China

1 thought on “NEWS RELEASE-South Valley may have unusual Christmas

  1. According to the air district, the primary source of PM 2.5’s in the cold months is wood smoke from residential fires. I have no doubt this is true in the Fresno/Clovis metro area where I reside. It is utterly beyond the resources of the air district to patrol entire cities, so they are almost completely dependant on citizens taking it upon themselves to squelch burning in their own neighborhoods (or anywhere else they happen to be) by reporting it to the air district.

    This is one elf with a wary eye for who’s naughty and who’s nice.

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